Just dancing in the dark...

I honestly wish that once I started teaching I still had a supervisor telling me what to do. I think it's strange that I don't have mentor or any one to help me get myself together. I make a ton of mistakes; it's like a new mistake every class period. I don't know how to anticipate students' actions. Like in high school, they all just ignore me, or say, "no." And what do I do? I let it go. How do you answer back to a flat out no?! That just doesn't seem like a reasonable response...

The other teachers just keep saying it's because I'm so young or they say,"well that's just Amelia for you." I don't want to settle for something like that...I know, it seems too idealistic, and it's much easier to just blame the system. I have some good kids, GREAT kids, and they have a lot of potential. I try to hold my students to higher standard than they seem to held in the rest of their classes. Yeah, it's really difficult, and yeah, I still get in my car and cry after school somedays, but I really believe that, eventually, all of this frustration will be worth it. I can't define what,"worth it" will mean at that point, but so far, I think I've learned more from each of my students than they have from me.

We had to give our student's surveys. Apparently, this is a HUGE issue with many of the teachers. I get it, you don't want to be criticized by students who don't necessarily "like" you. Let's face it, kids can be mean. So, sure, they may say that you don't know enough about the subject you teach or they will tell you that you don't respect them. But you take it in stride and modify your behavior to prevent that kind of thinking. None of my students said any of those things, but they did tell me that I need to be "meaner." Sure, I was flattered by the overwhelming amounts of, "I love yous!" And the,"Ms. K is my favorite teacherS!" But the critiques that I took extremely seriously were the ones that read similarly to,"I think that I am missing out on learning about music because my teacher doesn't handle classroom disruptions well." So, I made adjustments. I'm not much of a screamer (surprisingly, I know), but I have found a few methods that have been affective. Others have been a complete disaster. But ultimately, at least I am trying. And at the very least, I'm not going to give up.

I've been wounded, jaded, loved, and hated...

Long time, no post. Life got the best of me, I think.

Every morning I have to remind myself that I am fortunate to be employed in my field. Lately that reminder happens about 5 times a day. School is hard. And I know, that sounds ridiculous. But it really, truly is just hard. I can't predict what any day will bring...unless it's a full moon, THEN I know what the day will be like...and it is NOT pretty. I wished my way through college and here I am, 23 and employed. Living the dream, so to speak. I lost a lot of friends in the past two years. Over silly things, too. Like paying bills, or a guy, or because I let my emotions get the best of me. I'm having a difficult time making friends. I mean, how do people my age meet new people? Do I have to join a book club? Or a knitting circle? Because we all know, that will never happen. When Casey and I go out I'm going to start walking up to people and introducing myself and telling them that they are officially my friend.

Somedays, I don't feel like teaching. Rather, I don't feel like fighting. Everyday is a new battle. It's some kind of new problem that I have to deal with or adjust. It's day after day of failing some weeks. Being a first year teacher is much more difficult than I thought. I place a lot of blame on myself. My classroom management skills are just AWFUL. Those kids get away with murder. And then I wonder why I have no control. I just can't give up. I have to tell myself that 50 times a day.