I'll stand by you

Rookie mistake: never make promises you possibly cannot keep. Like...OH sure I'll bake brownies for you! Because kids are like elephants....they never forget. Sure, I did bake 8 dozen cookies and take them for my classes, but do they remember that I did this? NOPE. They remember that some people could only have one cookie. WELL THAT'S BECAUSE OTHER STUDENTS LICKED THEIR HANDS AND TOUCHED THE COOKIES. What happened to sharing?! They also now have an expectation of cookies every week. I've created 80 little monsters. Now, I have to make/bring brownies for everyone's birthday. Is this why the other teachers don't talk to me? I'll make cookies for them, too!

I have this very small pep band that performs at home football games. Last Friday, My principal walked up to me and said, "So I was standing over on the other side of the stadium with the AD, and he looked over at me and said, "is that our band?! WE HAVE A BAND?!" And I told him that we have a hard working and wonderful band director over there who is going to do incredible things here." Hard work does NOT go unnoticed. And this was evidence of it. I have been working my ass off to make SOMETHING happen at Amelia. And it's encouraging to hear that it is noticeable. My principal has so much faith in me. It's incredible. I couldn't ask for a better administrator.

This week was a three day week. So basically, I was the zoo keeper. Yesterday was parent-teacher conference day. It's very nice to have parents just stop by to meet me. And I really like to tell them how great their son or daughter is. I would much rather give a good report. The support that I have from my parents in Amelia is overwhelming. I really feel like I can make some kind of a difference. I hate to romanticize the situation and turn it into the movie "Freedom Writers," but these kids need an opportunity and they need someone who actually cares about them. Maybe this time in five years I'll be bitter and cynical because my plans for a band program is not where I want it to be. But for now, I want to make it happen. A little bit for me, yes, but mostly for these kids who haven't been has fortunate as I have been. I decided to take my 8th grade band to VBODA Assessment. They can do it. Most importantly, they WANT to do it. Now, THAT is what I'm talking about.

The grass is much greener

Sometimes, I struggle with perspective. That everyone is different and that the experiences we have all had as individuals have altered the way in which we view the world. The "world" encompasses all that comes to pass within our lives, the people we interact with, the people we don't interact with, the situations we find ourselves in, and the circumstances that are thrust upon us. I have learned an extremely valuable lesson over the past 5 weeks: the students that I have in my classes have very little control over their situations. I realize now that because a 6th grader says something intolerant, they don't necessarily know what is wrong with what they have said. It has helped me tremendously to try and relate to my students on this level rather than just yelling and screaming at them when something goes awry. I want to reach my students. I don't want to just write them off and send them to ISS, I WANT them to learn. And, for the most part, so do they. They chose band for a reason, so why would I spend my time making them hate it?

I have found that I am much more sympathetic to my students than I am to colleagues. I think that we are all responsible for how we behave as adults and the example we set forth for others. I am constantly seeking out ways to be the best example that I can be. I say, "Good Morning!" Or "Good Afternoon!" Or, "I'm doing great, how are you today?" To every teacher that passes me in the hallway. The response varies. Some teachers acknowledge me and speak with me briefly, others ignore me, and others meet me with frustration. I am working extremely hard to be as positive as possible, which is a complete transformation. 

I find high school band to be the most frustrating time of my day. It drives me insane that I am not able to get anything productive done and it makes me feel like a total failure as a teacher. I'm having such a difficult time breaking those terrible habits they have. I can't spend my whole year like this. Something has got to change and I honestly don't know what I can do. People keep telling me to be mean. How do you act strict without sounding like a whiny b****? I keep saying that it isn't their fault. That it's the habits they have been allowed to have, but come on. There is a certain point. My middle schoolers are my saving grace.

I just don't want to fail as an educator. I don't want this group of students to get the best of me and cause me to give up on them or myself. But I'm running out of solutions.

I do it for the money

I have completed, without any casualties, my first month of teaching. The past month and a half brought about two of the largest changes of my life: I started my new job and I moved. Now, I'm not much of a "homebody," I consider myself to be relatively nomadic. I seek adventure and what is new and exciting. But, moving to Midlothian has proven to be much more difficult than I anticipated.

Let's rewind. I moved from Harrisonburg on July 25. I interviewed in Amelia on July 30. I accepted the position on July 31. I then moved into my apartment on August 5 and started working for Amelia County on August 6. I am the band director at Amelia County Middle School and High School. Now that we're all caught up, I have just completed my first month of teaching.

About two years ago, Dave Pope told me that I would use about 1/3 of what I learned in college when I became a band director. He was so right. Amelia is a small community. There are about 1500 kids TOTAL in all three schools (yes, three schools for the whole county).  The first time I walked into the high school band room, I almost cried. What had I gotten myself into? How was I going to make this work? Why did everyone keep saying bless your heart? And good luck with THAT? It was all very, very terrifying. And to be honest, it still is.

I have spent hours after school in each of my band rooms. Organizing music, contacting parents, teaching lessons, holding pep band rehearsals, practicing saxophone. But honestly, that's where it needs to start. Long hours. Followed by longer days. Followed by longer months. Followed by longer years. Sometimes, it's really hard. I leave school and sit my car and cry. I cry because I'm worried about tomorrow, I cry because I took for granted the advantages I was given in college, and I cry because I want the best for every single one of my students. I want to give them what they deserve. And sometimes, I feel like I'm not good enough to give them that. Not good enough to teach them how music can save their lives. I'm not good enough for them.

Everyday is a new experience. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, fantastic, anyway you put it, it's an experience. Every time I check my email, I hold my breath, because I'm not sure WHAT will be waiting in my inbox. I try new approaches to my classes everyday. And they either work or they go terribly, terribly wrong. But that's what teaching is about. Figuring out the best way to educate each student. And it is a career-long process.

I'm learning new things about myself, as well. At the root of it all, I'm happy. I'm contented by my fortune and by the life that is ahead of me. Day to day is a little bit different. Today, I barely held back tears in front of my 8th grade band class. Not because of them, but because I am human. I react to situations poorly sometimes. The beautiful part about it, though, is that when I came back into the room, my students made me laugh until I cried. They knew I was upset and they did what THEY could to help me feel better. I couldn't have asked for anything more or less in that very moment.

The biggest thing is that I need to give MYSELF a chance. I have to step back, breathe, and be the best Sarah that I can be. I admire those who have been educators for so much longer than myself. I can't express the amount of remorse I have for how I spent my time in college. I look forward to the day that college Sarah is just a figment and I have revitalized myself for the better. For now, I seek no destination, just the journey. The greatest of journey's....life.