I do it for the money

I have completed, without any casualties, my first month of teaching. The past month and a half brought about two of the largest changes of my life: I started my new job and I moved. Now, I'm not much of a "homebody," I consider myself to be relatively nomadic. I seek adventure and what is new and exciting. But, moving to Midlothian has proven to be much more difficult than I anticipated.

Let's rewind. I moved from Harrisonburg on July 25. I interviewed in Amelia on July 30. I accepted the position on July 31. I then moved into my apartment on August 5 and started working for Amelia County on August 6. I am the band director at Amelia County Middle School and High School. Now that we're all caught up, I have just completed my first month of teaching.

About two years ago, Dave Pope told me that I would use about 1/3 of what I learned in college when I became a band director. He was so right. Amelia is a small community. There are about 1500 kids TOTAL in all three schools (yes, three schools for the whole county).  The first time I walked into the high school band room, I almost cried. What had I gotten myself into? How was I going to make this work? Why did everyone keep saying bless your heart? And good luck with THAT? It was all very, very terrifying. And to be honest, it still is.

I have spent hours after school in each of my band rooms. Organizing music, contacting parents, teaching lessons, holding pep band rehearsals, practicing saxophone. But honestly, that's where it needs to start. Long hours. Followed by longer days. Followed by longer months. Followed by longer years. Sometimes, it's really hard. I leave school and sit my car and cry. I cry because I'm worried about tomorrow, I cry because I took for granted the advantages I was given in college, and I cry because I want the best for every single one of my students. I want to give them what they deserve. And sometimes, I feel like I'm not good enough to give them that. Not good enough to teach them how music can save their lives. I'm not good enough for them.

Everyday is a new experience. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, fantastic, anyway you put it, it's an experience. Every time I check my email, I hold my breath, because I'm not sure WHAT will be waiting in my inbox. I try new approaches to my classes everyday. And they either work or they go terribly, terribly wrong. But that's what teaching is about. Figuring out the best way to educate each student. And it is a career-long process.

I'm learning new things about myself, as well. At the root of it all, I'm happy. I'm contented by my fortune and by the life that is ahead of me. Day to day is a little bit different. Today, I barely held back tears in front of my 8th grade band class. Not because of them, but because I am human. I react to situations poorly sometimes. The beautiful part about it, though, is that when I came back into the room, my students made me laugh until I cried. They knew I was upset and they did what THEY could to help me feel better. I couldn't have asked for anything more or less in that very moment.

The biggest thing is that I need to give MYSELF a chance. I have to step back, breathe, and be the best Sarah that I can be. I admire those who have been educators for so much longer than myself. I can't express the amount of remorse I have for how I spent my time in college. I look forward to the day that college Sarah is just a figment and I have revitalized myself for the better. For now, I seek no destination, just the journey. The greatest of journey's....life.