The past few weeks I've felt an enormous amount of guilt every time I have a drink. Not only do I feel like total shit the day after a night of drinking but I have to work extra hard at the gym to stay on the right track. I don't even like being drunk all that much. I talk almost constantly, more than usual, and I end up saying things I don't mean, or shouldn't say. I make other people uncomfortable, I'm sure, with what I say or bring up. And it amplifies my self centered tendencies. I'm so involved in myself. I try to be a good listener and to really appreciate what other people are saying, but I spend so much time talking about myself, and thinking about myself, it must be exhausting for whomever I am speaking with. Maybe that's the reason I spend so much time alone. I had thought that getting a second job would help me socially. Unfortunately, I'm too damn awkward to engage people and have them want to be around me.
I want to be able to make connections with other people, but I just don't know how. For whatever reason, I decided last night was a good time to spill out all of these feelings, which was a mistake. Evidently it's better to keep those things to myself. I'm fantastic at ruining good things.
I think I should quit being a band director and just be a swim instructor forever. Although, parents probably find it creepy to have an old ass swim instructor for their children. Sigh. Sorry for the melancholy post. We all have things we need to get off of our chests. I'm so unbelievably insecure. I wonder what it's like to have confidence in what you do...real confidence. Not feigned confidence where you are just going through it and hoping for the best.
We all have good and bad days. This is definitely a bad day.
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