So. There are 9 days of school left..which to me seems absolutely insane! I never imagined my first year of teaching would go by so quickly. My birthday is this coming Sunday! Casey and I will be in Charlotte. I am SO excited! Last year, I spent my birthday babysitting someone who is 20 years my senior. I'm not quite sure why I still harbor slight guilt over that situation. I think it is because I have finally come to terms with the fact that I used someone. Now, we all use people at some time in our lives, but normally the people we use don't fall hopelessly in love with us. Unfortunately, that happened to me. I am not proud of the person I was a year ago. I am not proud of what I did to that individual's family or what I did to myself. But I recognize that we all make choices. I made a bad choice in that situation and I grew from it. I think that people really can change. As long as it is intrinsically motivated, we all have the capacity to alter those parts of ourselves that we don't necessarily enjoy. The word change has such a negative connotation. People get so defensive when we talk about change or a differentiation in the routine. I tried to change my beliefs just to satisfy anothers' refusal to accept reality. It all backfired. MISERABLY. I was unhappy for so long. It was this terrible internal struggle. I started to resent myself and everything that I become. I could not believe what I had done to these complete strangers. This, my friends, was when I realized I had hit an emotional rock bottom. But...it is always darkest before the dawn.
I can honestly say that I am happiest I have ever been. I have reaffirmed my belief system. It's kind of like a rebirth. I am a slowly getting more comfortable in my own skin. And I think so much of that comes from my ability to start wading through all of my emotional bull shit and really know myself. It hurts to fall down. It hurts to pull yourself apart piece for piece. You see every flaw that you tried to cover up just exposed for the whole world to see.
Moral of this story? Be yourself. If you don't like yourself, change it. But DO NOT, under any circumstances, distort any part of your personality or belief system because you are trying to please someone else.
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