Fumbling to make contact

The past few weeks I've felt an enormous amount of guilt every time I have a drink. Not only do I feel like total shit the day after a night of drinking but I have to work extra hard at the gym to stay on the right track. I don't even like being drunk all that much. I talk almost constantly, more than usual, and I end up saying things I don't mean, or shouldn't say. I make other people uncomfortable, I'm sure, with what I say or bring up. And it amplifies my self centered tendencies. I'm so involved in myself. I try to be a good listener and to really appreciate what other people are saying, but I spend so much time talking about myself, and thinking about myself, it must be exhausting for whomever I am speaking with. Maybe that's the reason I spend so much time alone. I had thought that getting a second job would help me socially. Unfortunately, I'm too damn awkward to engage people and have them want to be around me.

 I want to be able to make connections with other people, but I just don't know how. For whatever reason, I decided last night was a good time to spill out all of these feelings, which was a mistake. Evidently it's better to keep those things to myself. I'm fantastic at ruining good things.

I think I should quit being a band director and just be a swim instructor forever. Although, parents probably find it creepy to have an old ass swim instructor for their children. Sigh. Sorry for the melancholy post. We all have things we need to get off of our chests. I'm so unbelievably insecure. I wonder what it's like to have confidence in what you do...real confidence. Not feigned confidence where you are just going through it and hoping for the best.

We all have good and bad days. This is definitely a bad day. 

Pause...

Some time, no post. A lot has happened since school let out. It's been a ridiculous deluge of emotions and events. I know I have worked extremely hard over the past month or so on my path to become completely contended with myself but sometimes I look in the mirror and have very little satisfaction. I'm fearful of losing my will power and over this summer. I just have to realize that it's important to be confident in myself and my success so far.

I know my family loves and supports me no matter what, but those people can eat! They eat the WORST kinds of food at WORST times of the day. Kenny and Rebecca now have a kegerator. How destructive is that!! I know, I should have more willpower, but I just can't resist beer! Beer is too delicious! I ran 4 miles 4 days that week and it felt amazing.  I never thought I'd be able to run that far. It was one of the best feelings EVER. I'm so excited to see the rest of my body take shape. My arms are starting to look RIPPED and my legs are looking lean and muscular. Sue keeps telling me that if I keep on a correct diet, it will shred the fat and my muscles will all be there when the fat is gone. Maybe I'm being impatient....BUT I JUST WANT IT SO BAD.

Reinventing myself has been one of the best things I have ever done. I am hoping that as my body changes my mentality will keep changing as well. I've done so much thinking over the past month and I'm starting to realize how important it is to have faith in yourself. I just have to keep on the same path. And go day by day. Just one day at a time.

The Queen of California is stepping down.

LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!

The thing that I am MOST excited about is the fact that in two months I'll be back in school with a completely new outlook, lifestyle, and with tons of new ideas and plans. I probably won't do much "working" over the summer, BUT I will be starting next year in a completely different place than I started this past school year. The check out process is tedious to say the least. But it is thrilling to know how clean my rooms will be when I get back in July.

I have a feeling that this summer will be a new adventure. I registered for my first Triathlon. It's a sprint, so it is a good introduction into the race scene. It's a 400M swim, 11 mile bike, and 3 mile run. I am SO excited to do the training for this event!!! I have come so far in the past few months. I have lost 42 pounds and have lost 24+ inches from all over my body. It's really incredible to watch my body mold into this completely different form. I know that the path I am currently is absolutely headed in the right direction. It's taken me 24 years to finally fall into myself. It was all kind of an accident...I didn't plan for any of what is happening to me. I did plan, however, to be overweight for my entire life and completely dissatisfied with my appearance. Now, don't get me wrong, you should love yourself no matter what your size. But for some of us, we need to make a drastic change to REALLY fall in love. And the things that I have been seeing, I'm finally learning what true love is! I know, it's super cheesy, but it's all true. I am falling in love with myself. And you know, it's truly an remarkable feeling.

We all struggle at some point in our lives but that struggle helps you appreciate how beautiful life can be. If we didn't have to suffer and experience pain, what would we be? Virtually empty. Those moments of despair are necessary so that we all can keep feeling. There are still so many experiences out there for me to have and I am so excited to discover the rest of my life. 

From your lips she drew the Hallelujah...

So. There are 9 days of school left..which to me seems absolutely insane! I never imagined my first year of teaching would go by so quickly. My birthday is this coming Sunday! Casey and I will be in Charlotte. I am SO excited! Last year, I spent my birthday babysitting someone who is 20 years my senior. I'm not quite sure why I still harbor slight guilt over that situation. I think it is because I have finally come to terms with the fact that I used someone. Now, we all use people at some time in our lives, but normally the people we use don't fall hopelessly in love with us. Unfortunately, that happened to me. I am not proud of the person I was a year ago. I am not proud of what I did to that individual's family or what I did to myself. But I recognize that we all make choices. I made a bad choice in that situation and I grew from it. I think that people really can change. As long as it is intrinsically motivated, we all have the capacity to alter those parts of ourselves that we don't necessarily enjoy. The word change has such a negative connotation. People get so defensive when we talk about change or a differentiation in the routine. I tried to change my beliefs just to satisfy anothers' refusal to accept reality. It all backfired. MISERABLY. I was unhappy for so long. It was this terrible internal struggle. I started to resent myself and everything that I become. I could not believe what I had done to these complete strangers. This, my friends, was when I realized I had hit an emotional rock bottom. But...it is always darkest before the dawn.

I can honestly say that I am happiest I have ever been.  I have reaffirmed my belief system. It's kind of like a rebirth. I am a slowly getting more comfortable in my own skin. And I think so much of that comes from my ability to start wading through all of my emotional bull shit and really know myself. It hurts to fall down. It hurts to pull yourself apart piece for piece. You see every flaw that you tried to cover up just exposed for the whole world to see.

Moral of this story? Be yourself. If you don't like yourself, change it. But DO NOT, under any circumstances, distort any part of your personality or belief system because you are trying to please someone else.

Brace for impact

The school year is coming to a tumultuous ending. The Board of Supervisors has cut the budget so much that we are starting out the upcoming year in a deficit. They are not replacing several of the teachers who are resigning or retiring. Class sizes will increase and behavior will become even more of an issue. This includes the assistant principal, who is shared between both the high school and the middle school. My biggest concern is that my students are NOT getting the right opportunities. My high school students play on marching snares. The Xylophone is bent in the middle and two of the resonators are broken. My middle school students play on a marching bass drum. The only set of Tom-toms I have were donated from someone in Richmond Concert Band. And forget auxiliary equipment. It boggles me that a group of adults can mandate all of these cuts on students. The community has spoken out against these things and they are embarrassed. Many are considering MOVING to a different county where their students and teachers have a better success rate. It's often difficult to keep your interest as a student when everything gets taken away from you. Many of the core teachers only have classroom text books, most of which are damaged so badly that they can't be used. But don't worry, the police department got the funding for all new vehicles. They have discussed meeting the minimum standards of learning. That means no guidance counselors, no electives, only in class textbooks, longer days, and much less administration. Many of my colleagues have commented that the school system will fold. There has to be something more that can be done. 

As I keep cutting weight, I feel like I am relearning how to be myself. Recently, I have been OBSESSING over an individual who really does not matter in my life. She is not me. I am not her. I have spent so much of my life worrying about other people that I often completely forget myself. I also forget to be PROUD of myself. I forget about my accomplishments and think strictly about my faults. It's not good to live your life thinking about how great everyone else is and what you want to change about yourself. Basically, you have to live your life according to the things you want and the ideals that you hold. Just because another person acts in a certain manner or does a certain thing, does not make you inferior to them. Someone else's success is NOT your failure. It has NOTHING to do with you. 

Saying goodbye to my codependency has certainly changed me. 

22

School is over in 22 days. Last week, my students gave their end of the year performances. I can't say that these performances were perfect, impressive, or that they will win any awards at Kings Dominion. But I can say that I am so proud to be working with this group of kids. I can also say that I was IMPRESSED by their performances. Some of my students put every ounce of themselves into the things that they do and it is so awesome to watch them develop into outstanding people.  It's absolutely incredible to reflect on the beginning of the school year and see how much has changed. How much I have changed. How much the students have grown. How much the ensembles have changed. It's really a beautiful thing...change, I mean.

We all set goals for ourselves. And no matter how small we feel the goal we have set is, it's still an aspiration. At the onset of this year, I gave myself very little credit. I was still riding the post college melodramatic lifestyle. As I started to shake off college and the "student attitude," real change started to happen. My student's started respecting me, my colleagues started respecting me, most importantly, though, I started respecting myself. It doesn't matter if everyone around gives you constant recognition for a "good job," or if they all "believe" in you. If you don't REALLY believe in yourself or REALLY respect yourself, you have no chance of accomplishing your objectives.

Yesterday, my trainer worked me hard. She always gives me the option to stop, but what's the point in even showing up if you are just going to give up? Every time I look in the mirror and I don't have to suck in my stomach or I don't have to adjust my shirt so that it is bigger around my mid-section, I consider that a victory. Why would I even consider giving up now? Everyone has a different ambition, but this sentiment is applicable to every aspect of life. No matter what you want to accomplish, there is no point in even trying if you are just going to give up half way through.

Keep going. No matter how hard it seems. You can endure. 

Ambition.

A year ago this weekend I was graduating from college. I have accomplished more in the past nine months as a band director than I did in the five years I spent at JMU. I am in a happy and healthy relationship, something that was nearly impossible to find in the college, I have lost 35 pounds, with 35 to go, I have doubled the size of my high school band class, I have inspired young students to stick with music--that's right...INSPIRED. I've dealt with death, emotional distress, monetary stress, lack of support, times of loneliness and despair. I also, almost, completed my first year as a band director.

I am proud of the person I becoming. For the first time in my life, I am proud to be me. I never thought there would come a day that I would feel this confident and this comfortable in my own skin. This was the most difficult year that I have experienced even though everything seemed to fall into place with ease. I dealt with many emotions that sometimes clouded my everyday judgement, but somehow, I'm still teaching.

I spend a lot of time at the gym. Getting down to my goal weight has become something much more than just an ambition. It would be a first. The first time I accomplished something with little to no help--help, not support. I have tons of support. But everything we do in life seems to require the help and assistance of someone else. Granted, I do work out with a trainer twice a week, but there's so much MORE to living healthy than anyone thinks. There's all of this eating that you have to do and there's all this eating that you really shouldn't do. Most importantly, though, YOU have to commit to YOU. If you are half assing it, than you aren't going to have any progress.

We live in a world of excuses. Oh, I have kids, I can't get to the gym. Or, I don't have time to cook a healthy meal. I decided to stop making excuses. I was obese. That word is often taboo but my BMI was so high that I was obese. When my doctor first told me I was obese, I was shocked. But did I change anything? Nah, I probably drank more beer, ate more macaroni and cheese, smoked more hookah, and ignored all the terrible habits I had fallen into during college.

Now, I still drink, which so many nutritionists disagree with, but I have limited my intake of alcohol. This time last year, I was at the bar almost every night drinking giant beers.  I stay FAR away from processed foods and I drink a TON of water. I can't lie and say it's been the easiest thing I have ever done, but when you really want something, it becomes much less of a chore. I have a number in mind that I would like to reach. It's about 35 more pounds away. But look how far I've come already!

Sometimes all it takes is changing your attitude about yourself.

You are beautiful. You are worthwhile. You are inspiring. You are intelligent. You are talented. You are loved. You are blessed.

Just dancing in the dark...

I honestly wish that once I started teaching I still had a supervisor telling me what to do. I think it's strange that I don't have mentor or any one to help me get myself together. I make a ton of mistakes; it's like a new mistake every class period. I don't know how to anticipate students' actions. Like in high school, they all just ignore me, or say, "no." And what do I do? I let it go. How do you answer back to a flat out no?! That just doesn't seem like a reasonable response...

The other teachers just keep saying it's because I'm so young or they say,"well that's just Amelia for you." I don't want to settle for something like that...I know, it seems too idealistic, and it's much easier to just blame the system. I have some good kids, GREAT kids, and they have a lot of potential. I try to hold my students to higher standard than they seem to held in the rest of their classes. Yeah, it's really difficult, and yeah, I still get in my car and cry after school somedays, but I really believe that, eventually, all of this frustration will be worth it. I can't define what,"worth it" will mean at that point, but so far, I think I've learned more from each of my students than they have from me.

We had to give our student's surveys. Apparently, this is a HUGE issue with many of the teachers. I get it, you don't want to be criticized by students who don't necessarily "like" you. Let's face it, kids can be mean. So, sure, they may say that you don't know enough about the subject you teach or they will tell you that you don't respect them. But you take it in stride and modify your behavior to prevent that kind of thinking. None of my students said any of those things, but they did tell me that I need to be "meaner." Sure, I was flattered by the overwhelming amounts of, "I love yous!" And the,"Ms. K is my favorite teacherS!" But the critiques that I took extremely seriously were the ones that read similarly to,"I think that I am missing out on learning about music because my teacher doesn't handle classroom disruptions well." So, I made adjustments. I'm not much of a screamer (surprisingly, I know), but I have found a few methods that have been affective. Others have been a complete disaster. But ultimately, at least I am trying. And at the very least, I'm not going to give up.

I've been wounded, jaded, loved, and hated...

Long time, no post. Life got the best of me, I think.

Every morning I have to remind myself that I am fortunate to be employed in my field. Lately that reminder happens about 5 times a day. School is hard. And I know, that sounds ridiculous. But it really, truly is just hard. I can't predict what any day will bring...unless it's a full moon, THEN I know what the day will be like...and it is NOT pretty. I wished my way through college and here I am, 23 and employed. Living the dream, so to speak. I lost a lot of friends in the past two years. Over silly things, too. Like paying bills, or a guy, or because I let my emotions get the best of me. I'm having a difficult time making friends. I mean, how do people my age meet new people? Do I have to join a book club? Or a knitting circle? Because we all know, that will never happen. When Casey and I go out I'm going to start walking up to people and introducing myself and telling them that they are officially my friend.

Somedays, I don't feel like teaching. Rather, I don't feel like fighting. Everyday is a new battle. It's some kind of new problem that I have to deal with or adjust. It's day after day of failing some weeks. Being a first year teacher is much more difficult than I thought. I place a lot of blame on myself. My classroom management skills are just AWFUL. Those kids get away with murder. And then I wonder why I have no control. I just can't give up. I have to tell myself that 50 times a day.

Green eyed lady, lovely lady.

There is something incredible about envy. People can spend their entire lives being envious. Envious of someone, something, anything, anyone, everything, and everyone. I'm guilty of this myself (personally, I blame my envy on my green eyes...green eyed monster?) I constantly compare myself to everyone else and think about what I don't have or what I don't have GOING for me. I started thinking about what jealously does to me because of a statement made by someone who doesn't even know me. A person, who has never met me before, who has only heard about my positive attributes, who can only judge my appearance based upon very few facebook pictures, stated that they thought I would be thin. My immediate reaction was to say something snarky and defensive, but then, I thought about this statement. Attacking another person's appearance is the simplest way to insult someone. But, calling someone fat doesn't make you skinny...(Cady Heron). Lately, I've been working on my own feelings of jealousy. It's kind of...refreshing? I feel like I've been given this brand new opportunity to fix everything that has been wrong and to set it all straight. The best thing that I can do for myself is focus less on everyone else. Sure, you should put other's first...sometimes...but if you do that ALL the time, you lose yourself. And not lose yourself in the Eminem way, but you put so much energy into being jealous of or angry at or happy for or frustrated with another person, that you completely lose track of the person you ACTUALLY are becoming. 

I feel like my life is turning out like a Lifetime made for TV Movie. Except without all of the REALLY terrible things, like teen pregnancy. 

I'll stand by you

Rookie mistake: never make promises you possibly cannot keep. Like...OH sure I'll bake brownies for you! Because kids are like elephants....they never forget. Sure, I did bake 8 dozen cookies and take them for my classes, but do they remember that I did this? NOPE. They remember that some people could only have one cookie. WELL THAT'S BECAUSE OTHER STUDENTS LICKED THEIR HANDS AND TOUCHED THE COOKIES. What happened to sharing?! They also now have an expectation of cookies every week. I've created 80 little monsters. Now, I have to make/bring brownies for everyone's birthday. Is this why the other teachers don't talk to me? I'll make cookies for them, too!

I have this very small pep band that performs at home football games. Last Friday, My principal walked up to me and said, "So I was standing over on the other side of the stadium with the AD, and he looked over at me and said, "is that our band?! WE HAVE A BAND?!" And I told him that we have a hard working and wonderful band director over there who is going to do incredible things here." Hard work does NOT go unnoticed. And this was evidence of it. I have been working my ass off to make SOMETHING happen at Amelia. And it's encouraging to hear that it is noticeable. My principal has so much faith in me. It's incredible. I couldn't ask for a better administrator.

This week was a three day week. So basically, I was the zoo keeper. Yesterday was parent-teacher conference day. It's very nice to have parents just stop by to meet me. And I really like to tell them how great their son or daughter is. I would much rather give a good report. The support that I have from my parents in Amelia is overwhelming. I really feel like I can make some kind of a difference. I hate to romanticize the situation and turn it into the movie "Freedom Writers," but these kids need an opportunity and they need someone who actually cares about them. Maybe this time in five years I'll be bitter and cynical because my plans for a band program is not where I want it to be. But for now, I want to make it happen. A little bit for me, yes, but mostly for these kids who haven't been has fortunate as I have been. I decided to take my 8th grade band to VBODA Assessment. They can do it. Most importantly, they WANT to do it. Now, THAT is what I'm talking about.

The grass is much greener

Sometimes, I struggle with perspective. That everyone is different and that the experiences we have all had as individuals have altered the way in which we view the world. The "world" encompasses all that comes to pass within our lives, the people we interact with, the people we don't interact with, the situations we find ourselves in, and the circumstances that are thrust upon us. I have learned an extremely valuable lesson over the past 5 weeks: the students that I have in my classes have very little control over their situations. I realize now that because a 6th grader says something intolerant, they don't necessarily know what is wrong with what they have said. It has helped me tremendously to try and relate to my students on this level rather than just yelling and screaming at them when something goes awry. I want to reach my students. I don't want to just write them off and send them to ISS, I WANT them to learn. And, for the most part, so do they. They chose band for a reason, so why would I spend my time making them hate it?

I have found that I am much more sympathetic to my students than I am to colleagues. I think that we are all responsible for how we behave as adults and the example we set forth for others. I am constantly seeking out ways to be the best example that I can be. I say, "Good Morning!" Or "Good Afternoon!" Or, "I'm doing great, how are you today?" To every teacher that passes me in the hallway. The response varies. Some teachers acknowledge me and speak with me briefly, others ignore me, and others meet me with frustration. I am working extremely hard to be as positive as possible, which is a complete transformation. 

I find high school band to be the most frustrating time of my day. It drives me insane that I am not able to get anything productive done and it makes me feel like a total failure as a teacher. I'm having such a difficult time breaking those terrible habits they have. I can't spend my whole year like this. Something has got to change and I honestly don't know what I can do. People keep telling me to be mean. How do you act strict without sounding like a whiny b****? I keep saying that it isn't their fault. That it's the habits they have been allowed to have, but come on. There is a certain point. My middle schoolers are my saving grace.

I just don't want to fail as an educator. I don't want this group of students to get the best of me and cause me to give up on them or myself. But I'm running out of solutions.

I do it for the money

I have completed, without any casualties, my first month of teaching. The past month and a half brought about two of the largest changes of my life: I started my new job and I moved. Now, I'm not much of a "homebody," I consider myself to be relatively nomadic. I seek adventure and what is new and exciting. But, moving to Midlothian has proven to be much more difficult than I anticipated.

Let's rewind. I moved from Harrisonburg on July 25. I interviewed in Amelia on July 30. I accepted the position on July 31. I then moved into my apartment on August 5 and started working for Amelia County on August 6. I am the band director at Amelia County Middle School and High School. Now that we're all caught up, I have just completed my first month of teaching.

About two years ago, Dave Pope told me that I would use about 1/3 of what I learned in college when I became a band director. He was so right. Amelia is a small community. There are about 1500 kids TOTAL in all three schools (yes, three schools for the whole county).  The first time I walked into the high school band room, I almost cried. What had I gotten myself into? How was I going to make this work? Why did everyone keep saying bless your heart? And good luck with THAT? It was all very, very terrifying. And to be honest, it still is.

I have spent hours after school in each of my band rooms. Organizing music, contacting parents, teaching lessons, holding pep band rehearsals, practicing saxophone. But honestly, that's where it needs to start. Long hours. Followed by longer days. Followed by longer months. Followed by longer years. Sometimes, it's really hard. I leave school and sit my car and cry. I cry because I'm worried about tomorrow, I cry because I took for granted the advantages I was given in college, and I cry because I want the best for every single one of my students. I want to give them what they deserve. And sometimes, I feel like I'm not good enough to give them that. Not good enough to teach them how music can save their lives. I'm not good enough for them.

Everyday is a new experience. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, fantastic, anyway you put it, it's an experience. Every time I check my email, I hold my breath, because I'm not sure WHAT will be waiting in my inbox. I try new approaches to my classes everyday. And they either work or they go terribly, terribly wrong. But that's what teaching is about. Figuring out the best way to educate each student. And it is a career-long process.

I'm learning new things about myself, as well. At the root of it all, I'm happy. I'm contented by my fortune and by the life that is ahead of me. Day to day is a little bit different. Today, I barely held back tears in front of my 8th grade band class. Not because of them, but because I am human. I react to situations poorly sometimes. The beautiful part about it, though, is that when I came back into the room, my students made me laugh until I cried. They knew I was upset and they did what THEY could to help me feel better. I couldn't have asked for anything more or less in that very moment.

The biggest thing is that I need to give MYSELF a chance. I have to step back, breathe, and be the best Sarah that I can be. I admire those who have been educators for so much longer than myself. I can't express the amount of remorse I have for how I spent my time in college. I look forward to the day that college Sarah is just a figment and I have revitalized myself for the better. For now, I seek no destination, just the journey. The greatest of journey's....life.